Yoga Sutra Contemplation: Through sincere and consistent effort the practice of Yoga provides:
“Identification of oneself as living within the infinite stream of life” Sutra 11.47
This is my deepest hearts desire at this time
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Summers bright and warming sun is turning into cool fall evenings, a transition we go through every year. This year, in my current experience, this transition is a bit more heavy and complicated.
June 8 2019 I married an amazing man, we went on our honeymoon & just 10 short days later, I lost my little brother suddenly on June 18th 2019. My wedding and the beautiful memories I have of him and our family will always be the last moments I had with Justin.
It was almost 4 months ago. So this fall has been very transitional for many reasons. I struggle with the change because I realize he was here for summer, but he is not coming with us in the fall.
The first 2 months of my mourning I spent sleeping and weeping and isolating. My grief manifested as extreme exhaustion. Most of the time I did not want to hear about healing and for a bit there I thought it best if I never do. I help others heal and inner growth is not only a career, is it the way I live my life. So this was out of character. I knew enough to hold space for myself as grief settled into my bones.
I felt that this dark gaping hole was my new home and I liked it that way. All the while, another part of me knew that I will climb out of this with more awareness and growth then ever. I am still shedding and growing, always. One thing is certain, the path is not linear. There are just as many set backs are their are growth spurts.
My brother is apart of me, and my heart is utterly shattered. I am learning how to continue to have a relationship with him & the divine, wherever he is now.
What I am experiencing now that I am crawling out of the debilitating period of my grief - is a new found lense for life. One I thought I already had. However, it turns out I haven’t scratched the surface. This lense allows me to see the bigger picture and soak up the little moments where I used to be inpatient, waiting for what comes next. It invites me to open my eyes, look around, and soak up this earth -a very very temporary home.
The questions: Why are we here? Why am I here? What is this for? What is my hearts deepest longing? Are all apart of my daily contemplations.
I don’t know if I will get the exact answer for these questions but the ask is enough for now.
I have found I am more present and that I choose to make space for only what is meaningful for me. I am finding it is more natural to be vulnerable and speak from the heart. I place a higher priority on soaking up the beautiful pieces and people of my life that God has still left for myself and my family, because if I don’t fully embrace them, why else have I been chosen to remain with the living? What could be more important during our time of living, if Love is simply the only thing that matters in the end? I choose more then ever to not allow a joyful moment to just pass by as if it isn’t the most important thing there is in this world. Love really is all that matters, it is the glue between this world and where we go after. What if that is our only purpose? To love and be loved. To learn to love oneself and offer our authentic gifts to our little corners of this planet. It can be as simple as baking someone something, adding light into the life of a stranger, helping out a friend, etc. Our authentic gifts do not always present as big passion projects.
All for now..
Soak it up<3
Amy